When I told a couple of my friends that I was reviewing a Christmas film everyday until the fated day one said friend suggested I watch and review 'Deck the Halls' (2006). My response? "No. I've seen it. It's shit". And yet, here we are. I lamented. To be fair, it had been a very long time since I had seen it and so maybe, just maybe, I would actually like it this time around... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Fuck this film. I hate this film. Hate it passionately. Now, it is definitely not the worst film in terms of quality that I have seen whilst reviewing this Christmas films, but it is definitely the one I disliked the most. It is a cruel and obnoxious film, and worst of all it has the audacity to try and play itself off as a positive Christmas tale. It isn't. There is nothing positive about this film. The film follows Steve Finch (Matthew Broderick) who is known as the Christmas guy in his small town. However, when Buddy Hall (Danny DeVito) moves in to the house across the street with aims of becoming the new Christmas guy there becomes a war between the two, with Finch fighting for his traditions and Hall fighting to be noticed.
This film claims to be a comedy. Claim is the important word in this instance. This film is painfully unfunny. I can't even remember one attempt at a joke within the film, except the jokes involving sick and poo which are to be expected in a film attempting and miserably failing to be comedic. To be fair to the film, it understands what makes things funny. In order for something to be comedic someone has to suffer along the way, that is the essence of comedy. And both Buddy Hall and Steve Finch try to make each other suffer tremendously, but in reality it is the audience who suffers. The main problem this film has is that. because the comedic elements fall so flat, they just come across as mean spirited. Both these characters are two of the most unlikeable characters I have ever seen portrayed in film. I started off feeling a little sorry for Steve Finch as Buddy Hall is one of the most obnoxious and rude neighbours you can possibly imagine. Making obscene amount of noise in the middle of the night, stealing power from Finch to power his Christmas lights and generally having no level of respect for his neighbours. However, Finch is no better. He is an uptight grouch who is ridiculously selfish and immature. If he doesn't get what he wants he mopes and strops like a child and doesn't seem to care what his family want. Its his way or the highway. These are our heroes ladies and gentleman. This would be acceptable if they suffered some sort of repercussion and they do. For all of 5 minutes. There families both leave them and they win them back almost instantly by cooking a Christmas dinner. Fuck you. They have treated their families like shit this entire film, with Buddy Hall going so far as to sell his wife's family vase to fuel his Christmas light obsession.But look, they cooked a nice meal, all is forgiven! The forgiveness and the reconciliation is entirely unearned and the supposed 'friendship' these two characters have at the end is bullshit too. They hate each other, they do nothing to make each other not hate each other. Its lazy writing to the highest degree where the writers seemed to just tack on an ending because they needed one rather than writing a story that is compelling and earns its ending.
Despite these awful characters and terrible script the film could possibly have been saved by some decent performances. But they are all awful as well, with the exception of DeVito. That is not to say DeVito is putting in a great performance. He is putting in a Danny DeVito performance. Nothing more nothing less. It looks like an Oscar worthy performance compared to that of some other in this film mind. The two main culprits I will focus on Kristin Davis as Kelly Finch and the aforementioned Matthew Broderick. Kristin Davis looks dead behind the eyes for the entire film. She pulls facial expressions in a vain attempt to elicit laughter. Her emotionally range is equal to that of a potato. And yet. And. Yet. Somehow she is less lifeless, less emotionless than Ferris Bueller himself. Matthew Brodericks performance is on that you don't forget quickly. Not because of any particular quality behind it but just because of how genuinely terrible it is. There is nothing there. Nothing. He might as well be asleep. No emotion, no reaction, no feeling, no charisma of any kind. Its pure shit. I also think it wouldn't be fair of me, seeing as I have criticised kid actors relentlessly, there a couple of kid actors in this film who are equally as bad as anything I have seen so far. Yes they only have one line each and yes they have absolutely no effect on the film in general, but I'm not about to stop shitting all over the talent of kids just yet.
Avoid this film. Hightail it out of any room where there is a possibility this film might play. Avoid people who say it is one of their favourite Christmas films. It is horrible, rancid shit. It commits the cardinal sin of being an unfunny and mixes it with being mean spirited and bares no semblance of any sort of wholesome Christmas messages. The two main characters are two of the worst main characters I have ever witnessed in film for relatability and likeability. It also suffers massively form awful performances and substandard film making. I'm not sure there is more else I can say except that I hate it. Don't waste your precious time you have on this earth by watching this heinous arse of a film.