I was wondering when I would eventually get to reviewing a Michael Bay film. Who would have foreseen a global pandemic being the straw that would break the camels back. He is just not the filmmaker for me. Because of this I had been putting off reviewing 'Armageddon' (1998). I knew I wouldn't like it and its two and a half hour runtime didn't help with my desire not to see it. But you know what, I'm an optimistic guy. I'm willing to change my opinion on a filmmaker if they surprise me. And besides, this film's cast is a great one so there was promise that it could be good. Yeah, no it's crap. The film opens with a meteor shower destroying the city of New York. This meteor shower came as a result of an asteroid the size of Texas that is quickly approaching Earth and will destroy all life as we know it in 18 days. NASA decide the only course of action is to place a nuclear bomb inside the asteroid and blow it up. In order to do this they recruit America's greatest deep-core driller, Harry S. Stamper (Bruce Willis), and his rag-tag crew of misfits to go into space and drill the hole in which they will place the bomb. It is a race against time to train up these men and get them to the asteroid so they can save the earth.
This film is about as dumb as that synopsis makes it sound. Some of it is dumb fun, but most of it is shit dumb. One dumb fun sequences come with the destruction of New York right near the beginning of the film. This is a perfect example of what Michael Bay is good at. The amount of copious destruction in the scene is a lot of fun, and the mixture of CGI and practical effects works well throughout. Unfortunately, you cannot carry a film based entirely on pure dumb action and the narrative and script of this film is not good. I'm sure if you're a red blooded American this film speaks right to you. The main characters in this film are you're beer chugging, tit loving, intellectual hating white collar Americans which almost immediately makes them unlikeable, at least to me. It is a stereotype that I just don't enjoy watching and the fact that you're stuck with a group of them as your heroes was at times unbearable. This isn't helped by the fact that the script is horrible. The attempts at comedy all fall flat and none of the relationships between characters seem real. But most importantly, especially after the actually fun opening scene. this film is ungodly boring. This is probably down to the fact that the film's premise is so dumb and its characters so dislikable that I could just not buy into the film at all and therefore lost interest very quickly. Even the action scenes paled in comparison to the opening and I found myself just staring blankly at the screen wishing it to end.
One positive about this film is its cast which is large and full of actors I like. Unfortunately, they are playing these god awful characters, but at least they are doing a decent job of it. With a cast of Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, Steve Buscemi, Owen Wilson and Michael Clarke Duncan you are always going to get decent performances. Steve Buscemi is basically just playing the same character he usually does, as is Owen Wilson, but they're both fun actors to watch. Ben Affleck has some dodgy moments but is mostly solid and has some emotional scenes he performs well. Michael Clarke Duncan doesn't have all that much to do really but does a good job when called upon. Bruce Willis is the star of the show. This film came during the period where he still cared about acting and during this time he was extremely charismatic and had a superb screen presence and this film is no different. Like Affleck, he also has some emotional scenes that he performs very well despite the macho persona he has throughout the rest of the film. It is a big shame that all these actors are playing characters I could not relate to at all, but they do a decent job of playing them.
This film is basically everything I was expecting it to be. Mindless destruction and copious explosions designed to mask the terrible narrative, script and characters. The actors all do a good job but are hindered by the terrible writing. The opening destruction of New York is a well put together sequence of action and destruction but it is an excitement that is never captured again throughout the film. Mostly I just felt bored watching this. As soon as I realized I hated all the protagonists and I wouldn't be able to buy in too the narrative I just found myself glazing over for protection. The runtime is a killer in this one and it seemed to go forever. I absolutely do not recommend this film. It is an absolute slog with no real substance to it. It is actually quite a good analogy to Michael Bay's entire filmography.