I have finally found the time to make my top 100 lists and you know what I found out? I don't tend to watch films I hate. As a result of this the first few films on this list are films I don't even think are actually all that bad, they just happen to be the worst of the average films I have seen, and a large chunk of the are films that I only ever watched because of doing these reviews. I should also say that these are my least favourite films, not necessarily the worst films I have seen. Also, if you like these films that's cool. At the end of the day it is all subjective, even if the majority of these films are pure shit and I would question why you would like most of them. And with that shall we crack on? So here we are, my 100 least favourite films of all time.
100: ‘Quarantine’ (2008)
Dir. John Erick Dowdle
This film is not terrible, but it is basically a shot for shot remake of ‘REC’ (2007). The only reason it was remade is because ‘REC’ happens to be in Spanish. As remakes go it isn’t terrible, being executed decently. But it is just completely needless. Just watch the Spanish one. It is the same experience except 10 times better.
99: ‘Quantum of Solace’ (2008)
Dir. Marc Foster
Not the strongest of starts. I do not hate this film, not even close, but I cannot sit here and say that it is a good. It has its moments but narratively it falls off a cliff about halfway through a never recovers. Maybe not a film most people would have in their least favourites but like I said, I don’t tend to watch films I dislike so prepare for the next twenty to be in a similar vein to this one.
98: ‘Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom’ (2018)
Dir. J. A. Bayona
There is already a trend here of me disliking films in franchises that I enjoy. Again, I do not hate this film. But it properly dumb and a bit shit. The franchise seems to want to focus on the cloning technology rather than on oh I don’t know, the fucking dinosaurs! It has some fun scenes and I love dinosaurs enough that seeing them on big screen will always be cool, but it is far too stupid and convoluted to actually be good.
97: ‘The Golden Compass’ (2007)
Dir. Chris Weitz
Is it unfair to put a film I have seen once and remember almost nothing about on a list of my least favourite film? Of course, it is! But to be fair I didn’t remember a thing about this film almost immediately after watching it which is not a sign of quality. I have nothing else to say about it really, probably shouldn’t even be here.
96: ‘Jaws 3D’ (1983)
Dir. Joe Alves
This film is terrible, and I don’t think there is much argument there. However, the reason it is so far down on my list is because it is kind of so bad it is good. The concept is actually interesting, but the execution is often laughable. It is mostly the effects in the film that make it so crap, and yet enjoyable.
95: ‘Dracula: Dead and Loving It’ (1995)
Dir. Mel Brooks
Another film I don’t hate but I can’t say is good, and it is a shame as well because I do love Mel Brook’s style of humour. Unfortunately, it falls flat on its face in this film and despite some funny moments it is mostly pants. Leslie Nielsen can do almost no wrong however and is easily the best part of the film.
94: ‘The Birth of a Nation’ (1915)
Dir. D.W. Griffiths
This is probably the biggest anomaly on the list because it is actually a really good film on a technical level. For the time period it is masterfully done and is a forefather for narrative cinema. But if you know anything about this film you’ll know where it I am going with this. This film is extremely racist and is a film I never wish to see again. It is a technical achievement and is historically important for film, but it is a hateful piece of shit that I don’t recommend anyone watches.
93: ‘Zombie’ (1979)
Dir. Lucio Fulci
This film is a classic in the horror genre and also happens to be shit. There are people who adore this film, but I just don’t get it at all. There are a couple of decent scenes but overall, it is just crap across the board. Not heinous enough to be higher than 94th, but still not good.
92: ‘Resident Evil: Afterlife’ (2010)
Dir. Paul W. S. Anderson
Have a guess what the next 5 places are going to be? The ‘Resident Evil’ series effectively all blurs into one after the first film and so placing them in any order was very hard and all the reviews will basically just be repeating the same stuff. I went for ‘Afterlife’ as the best of the rest because, like the first, it is the best example of stupid action that is the best part of all the films. Pretty shit apart from these moments.
91: ‘Resident Evil: Extinction’ (2007)
Dir. Russell Mulcahy
The action isn’t quite as stupid as in ‘Afterlife’ which makes this film less fun. It is mostly quite a bland and boring film rather than being actually terrible but being okay and boring is often worse than being shit but entertaining, and that is exactly why this film lands here.
90: ‘Resident Evil: The Final Chapter’ (2016)
Dir. Paul W. S. Anderson
Speaking of decent but boring, step forward the final ‘Resident Evil’ film. Like the rest of the series this film is stupid, but it isn’t stupid enough to be entertaining and I just found myself waiting for the film to just end. Not quite pure shit, but we are getting there.
89: ‘Resident Evil: Retribution’ (2012)
Dir. Paul W. S. Anderson
This film has one good scene and the rest is dog shit. It is just mindless action with no interesting plot to hold it together. This would be fine if the action wasn’t completely dull. No good, and yet not the worst.
88: ‘Resident Evil: Apocalypse’ (2004)
Dir. Alexander Witt
This film has no good scenes and is pure dog shit. I can’t think of one positive aspect of the film. However, it is so shit that is the one I am most intrigued to go back and watch again because I think it might be able to step up to be so bad its good levels. As it stands it is just shite.
87: ‘Green Street’ (2005)
Dir. Lexi Alexander
If I wasn’t a huge football fan, I reckon this one would be a lot higher up on this list. And if we’re being honest it probably deserves to be higher up for Charlie Hunnam’s cockney accent which is Dick Van Dyke in ‘Mary Poppins’ (1964) levels of terrible. Mostly just boring and forgettable.
86: ‘Armageddon’ (1998)
Dir. Michael Bay
This film might have been okay if it had been an hour shorter. And had likeable characters. And wasn’t boring. And didn’t have a scene where our ‘hero’ hits golf balls at Green Peace protesters. And it wasn’t directed by Michael Bay/ Okay, maybe this film didn’t have the possibility of being good. Fortunately I don’t subject myself to Michael Bay film very often so this will be both the first and last time he makes an appearance on this list.
85: ‘Vox Lux’ (2018)
Dir. Brady Corbet
This film is all over the place. It tries its best to be complex and speak on many different themes in regard to fame and the bad side of it but it does not deliver on this at all well. There are also several creative choices in the film that are just bizarre. It has a couple very good performances from Natalie Portman and Jude Law, but apart from this it is pretty poor across the board.
84: ‘American Pie Presents: Band Camp’ (2005)
Dir. Steve Rash
The ‘American Pie’ series is what it is and I don’t have a particularly strong opinion on it either way. However, in the case of this film they take out almost all the original cast and characters and your left thinking what the hell the point is? The idea of ‘American Pie’ was already dated by this point and so by basically making it again with no characters seems stupid and it is no surprise it is shit. I’m sure teenage boys will still enjoy it though. I should know, I did.
83: ‘Friday the 13th Part III’ (1982)
Dir. Steve Miner
I enjoy the ‘Friday the 13th’ franchise. They are great films to sit and get drunk while watching and are just a bit of dumb fun. Surprisingly all of them are quite memorable as well, all except the third one. I don’t remember this film almost at all, although I remember distinctly being bored throughout the whole runtime. It isn’t the worst of the franchise (we will get to that) but it is one of the weaker ones.
82: ‘The Jurassic Games’ (2018)
Dir. Ryan Bellgardt
Of course, this film is terrible, I knew it would be going into it. However, the stupid premise and inclusion of dinosaurs sucked me on hoping for a so bad its good experience. Unfortunately, the film turned out to be too good and there for was less fun as a result. Not good, but who would expect it to be.
81: ‘Extinction’ (2018)
Dir. Ben Young
Talk about a completely forgettable film. One of the first Netflix originals I watched and one of the reasons I have never properly trusted the since. It was just such a nothing film which seemed to just pass over me like nothing, which is one of the worst things a film can do. I wasn’t angry at any point watching it, but that may be because I had almost no emotion at all.
80: ‘3-Headed Shark Attack’ (2015)
Dir. Christopher Olen Ray
There is almost nothing I need to say about this film apart from the title. Rob Van Damme is in it which is both the best and worst thing about it. That’s it, moving on.
79: ‘Friday the 13th’ (2009)
Dir. Marcus Nispel
The second film from this franchise on this list (and not the last). This 2009 reboot/remake tries to make the film a bit more gritty and real and in doing takes away so much of the charm and fun these films have. They are stupid fun slasher films and making them darker does not make them more entertaining but does make it a lot more boring.
78: ‘The Rocky Horror Picture Show’ (1975)
Dir. Jim Sharman
This film is great for 25 minutes and then becomes one of the more annoying film musicals. Basically, watch it until Meat Loaf finishes his song then you can turn it off. It is all downhill from there.
77: ‘Damien: Omen II’ (1978)
Dir. Don Taylor, Mike Hodges
This film did not need to exist. ‘The Omen’ (1976) is a brilliantly creepy horror classic. The sequel has none of what makes that first film great. It is not scary nor creepy and just becomes boring and forgettable. Completely pointless.
76: ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2’ (1986)
Dir. Tobe Hooper
Another sequel to a horror classic that turned out to be shit. This film tries to be almost a satire of the first film but it is horribly executed and just has nothing to it. I can’t think of one scene that stands out or one moment that had me excited or scared or laughing. Just crap.
75: ‘The Silence’ (2019)
Dir. John R. Leonetti
This film is a poor man’s ‘A Quiet Place’ (2018) with no aspect of it being better than that film. A decent cast but mostly just crap. Want more from me, you can read the full review I did on this, but I have 76 more films to get through and I don’t have time to write more on this.
74: ‘Angels and Demons’ (2009)
Dir. Ron Howard
I paid to watch this in the cinema and I’m curious if you can get a refund 11 years after the fact. A nonsensical mess that is bland and forgettable. Not even Tom Hanks and Ewan McGregor could save this one.
73: ‘Moulin Rouge’ (2001)
Dir. Baz Luhrmann
One of the more controversial picks on this list. Look I understand why people like this film, but my god does it grate me. It is one of the more obnoxious and annoying films I have ever seen and the idea of putting myself through it again scares me. Apologies if you love it, but I think it is a crock of shit.
72: ‘Pet Semetary’ (1989)
Dir. Mary Lambert
Was this film ever scary? I really can’t imagine it. The bits that are meant to be scary feel much more like a comedy than a horror. It has also not aged very well so any horror value the film may have head has been destroyed by age. Has some classic lines of dialogue but that is all that is really here.
71: ‘Stranger Than Paradise’ (1984)
Dir. Jim Jarmusch
Here is a film I definitely need to give a second chance to but for now I think it is crap. I remember watching this at University and me and my mate could not have had more different reactions. I just found it boring and needlessly ‘artsy’. I have since seen Jim Jarmusch films I like so maybe its time for a second go.
70: ‘Mama Mia’ (2008)
Dir. Phyllida Lloyd
I love ABBA, but just putting their songs in a below average rom-com does not make that below average rom-com anything more than a below average rom-com. Pierce Brosnan’s singing is the only redeeming feature. He is terrible and I love it.
69: ‘The Greatest Showman’ (2017)
Dir. Michael Gracey
Do I hate this film because I worked in the cinema when it was released? Possibly. But it helps that it is also shit. I don’t want to hear that it is anything more than that. The songs are good and I won’t argue that, but the film they are placed within is pure crap and I think peoples love of the songs make them forget that.
68: ‘Jaws the Revenge’ (1987)
Dir. Joseph Sargent
A shark roars like a lion in this film. Wait no I’ll start that again. A psychic shark roars like a lion in this. Do you need to hear anymore?
67: ‘Independence Day’ (1996)
Dir. Roland Emmerich
People love this film and I just don’t know why. For an action film it is unbearably dull and the pats that are seen as ‘cool’ are in fact the complete opposite. I’m not a fan of mindless explosions and after two and half hours of that I want to pull my eyes out.
66: ‘The Hangover Part II (2011)
Dir. Todd Phillips
This is literally a remake of the first film if any of what made the first film enjoyable was taken away. It doesn’t even take it to another level really, it is effectively the exact same film. The biggest waste of time on this list.
65: ‘Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End’ (2007)
Dir. Gore Verbinski
This film is almost three hours long with a plot with far too many moving parts. It is also this film where I started to get a bit sick of the Jack Sparrow shtick to a point where he is more annoying than entertaining. And yet the worst of this series is yet to come.
64: ‘IO’ (2019)
Dir. Jonathan Helpert
This is one of the most boring films I have ever seen and the third Netflix original to make this list. I remember this film feeling like it was never going to end, and it wasn’t even that long. I have a whole review if you want to put yourself through that go ahead, I wouldn’t recommend it.
63: ‘Scary Move 3’ (2003)
Dir. David Zucker
I will sit and defend ‘Scary Movie’ (2000) as a fun film. The rest of the franchise however is pure shit. I haven’t seen past three put if they carry on the trajectory of getting worse with each one I would rather not. Painfully unfunny and not worth anyone’s time.
62: ‘Dude, Where’s My Car?’ (2000)
Dir. Danny Leiner
Speaking pf films that are painfully unfunny. I watched this when I was in my early teens and even then, I found it to be incredibly unfunny. And the less said about Ashton Kutcher and his performance the better.
61: ‘The Last House on the Left’ (2009)
Dir. Dennis Iliadis
I have never seen the original of this film but can’t imagine it could be worse than this remake. The only thing from this that sticks in my mind at all is when someone head is exploded in a microwave and if that’s the height of your film you’re doing something wrong.
60: ‘Insidious: Chapter 3’ (2015)
Dir. Leigh Whannell
Horror sequels are rarely any good and this film proves that to be the case. Re-visiting ground we have already seen and in a lot fewer interesting ways, this film even fails to make its jump scares particularly effective. There are a lo of crap modern horror films and this is just one of them.
59: ‘Hush’ (2016)
Dir. Mike Flanagan
This film surprised me when I saw how high it’s Rotten Tomatoes score. For me it offers little more than an interesting concept and is just a bland horror film. Maybe it caught me on an off day but I’m not so sure, I just think it is not that great.
58: ‘Aladdin’ (2019)
Dir. Guy Ritchie
The best of the Disney remakes that I have seen, even if that is not saying much at all. Will Smith is the only real redeeming aspect of this film that feels like a completely dumbed down and pointless retelling of a classic Disney film. But they all make a billion dollars no matter how shit they are so whatever I guess.
57: ‘Cube Zero’ (2004)
Dir. Ernie Barbarash
Bizarre little film this. I have no real love for the ‘Cube’ series on the whole (as we will see) but at least the first film had an interesting concept and execution. This film has tonal problems, narrative issues and a twist ending so stupid that it made me laugh out loud. As with most prequels it actually detracts from the original film and is mostly completely unneeded.
56: ‘Unfriended: Dark Web’ (2018)
Dir. Stephen Susco
Narratively this film is pure shit, but at least it executes on its gimmick a little better than the original film. Not to say that the gimmick is a good one because it isn’t. The film also lacks any kind of scares despite being a horror film. Its like a comedy lacking laughs, you failed at your job.
55: ‘Shut In’ (2016)
Dir. Farren Blackburn
This film started promisingly but fell off the world’s biggest cliff as soon as the twist was introduced. It is one of the stupidest and most ridiculous twists I have ever seen, and its execution was horrible. The film might not have been the best up until that point but any chance it had were put in a blender when the twist was revealed.
54: ‘Escape Room’ (2017)
Dir. Will Wernick
Not the last time a film called ‘Escape Room’ will appear on this list. Once the film decided it needs to start going scary is when it also starts to become borderline unwatchable. The acting is so bad that I struggled to stay focused on what was actually going on. It also doesn’t help that the characters are all bloody horrible to spend time with.
53: ‘Open Water’ (2003)
Dir. Chris Kentis
This film has an interesting concept, but it is executed so, so poorly. The biggest problem the film has is that absolutely nothing interesting happens or at least an hour of it, so when the ‘exciting’ parts come you are so bored that you have already checked out. Not even the sharks could save this one.
52: ‘Battleship Potemkin’ (1925)
Dir. Sergei Eisenstein
If you have any knowledge of film history then you will probably be flabbergasted to see one of the most important films in history on this list. Well its dull as dish water alright, history behind it or not. It is boring. Yes, I should probably watch it again but I really, really don’t want to. I’d rather stab out my own eyes.
51. ‘Superhero Movie’ (2008)
Dir. Craig Mazin
Another spoof movie which is about as funny as scraping sandpaper across your extremities. I used to watch this film a hell of a lot when I was young teenager and that’s about all it will appeal to and the only age range that will find this film funny in any way.
50: ‘Iron Man 2’ (2010)
Dir. John Favreau
I am not a huge fan of the MCU but I think most of them are solid films. This one however is an absolute shit show. All that springs to mind is that terrible race car scene which ksut seems like a joke more than a serious action scene. Rubbish all round.
49: ‘Marley & Me’ (2008)
Dir. David Frankel
A film so bland and uninteresting that the only fun I had watching it was when the dog died (which is most definitely a first).
48: ‘Planet of the Apes’ (2001)
Dir. Tim Burton
I’ve actually never seen the original ‘Planet of the Apes’ (1968) film, but by all accounts this film spits in the face of it. But it also spits in the face of its audience regardless whether they have seen the original or not. It wastes a great cast with Tim Burton doing his thing, which I am not a huge fan of on the whole. The ending is also laughable.
47: ‘Batman & Robin’ (1997)
Dir. Joel Schumacher
I don’t think I have ever forgiven my friend for making me watch this. It is famously bad so anything I write here is almost pointless. Truly horrendous.
46: ‘Shark Tale’ (2004)
Dir. Rob Letterman, Vicky Jenson, Bilbo Bergeron
This film is really, really ugly. With animation you can do almost anything you want, and the filmmakers decide to make a world that I wanted to avoid at all costs. The cast is really strong, but the animation, narrative and overall look makes it an absolute stinker.
45: ‘Dumbo’ (2019)
Dir. Tim Burton
Another horrible Disney remake which takes the source material and basically wipes its arse with it. It is also another film ruined by Tim Burton’s style which makes it an obnoxious visual specimen as well as a completely forgettable film. Crap.
44: ‘Big Momma’s House 2’ (2006)
Dir. John Whitesell
I enjoyed this as a child, and it makes me question everything about the environment I grew up in.
43: ‘Rings’ (2017)
Dir. Javier Gutierrez
The original Japanese film is a genuine classic of horror cinema. This film is a formulaic, 21st century horror which simplifies and shits on all the good things about the series. Truly shit, so much so that for my full review on the film I made a point to say so in the title.
42: ‘The Bye Bye Man’ (2017)
Dir. Stacy Title
Another horribly formulaic horror film with no scares and more comedic moments than horrific ones. That title is laughable in itself. It’s a film so formulaic that you could replace the monster within a hundred other monsters from horror films and you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.
41: ‘Shrek Forever After’ (2010)
Dir. Mike Mitchell
This franchise should have never got past the second film. By this one they are clearly are out of ideas and the whole thing feels stale and lifeless. There is nothing memorable or even likeable about the film, it is all the worst parts of the other films stretched out and without charm. God knows why they are making a fifth one.
40: ‘The Curse of La Llorna’ (2019)
Dir. Michael Chavez
Just another jump scare filled horror film. There is nothing else to say. Not scary, boring and uninspired.
39: ‘Did You Hear About the Morgans’ (2009)
Dir. Marc Lawrence
Yet another cliched, uninspired and dull horror film. What’s that? This is actually a rom-com? Yeah, I stand by my original statement. I mean I paid full price to see this at the cinema, that was horrific enough.
38: ‘The Apparition’ (2012)
Dir. Todd Lincoln
A horror film so bad I remember literally nothing about it. Seriously, I have read the synopsis and looked at stills and nothing is coming to me. I know I have seen it mind because I remember questioning whether to turn it off halfway through.
37: ‘Jigsaw’ (2017)
Dir. Michael Spierig, Peter Spierig
My first and so far only foray into the ‘Saw’ franchise and if all the other films are like this it will most likely stay that way. I’m not a huge fan of gore but if you are going to be a gory film at least make it creative, this felt like bottom of the barrel stuff.
36: ‘Remember Me’ (2010)
Dir. Allen Coulter
Another film I wasted money on seeing in the cinema. The only reason anyone remembers this film is because of the out of nowhere twist ending which feels utterly forced to add an extra emotional kick. Its cheap to say the least, but I will give it this, it is so out of nowhere that it makes you forget you just sat through an incredibly boring romantic drama proceeding it.
35: ‘Cube 2: Hypercube’ (2002)
Dir. Andrzej Sekula
A sequel that in trying to up the ante on the first film ends up becoming a bland imitation of itself. All the good aspects of the first film are gone and you are basically just watching the same film with worse characters, a worse narrative and a worse visual style.
34: ‘A Wish for Christmas’ (2016)
Dir. Christie Will
It’s a Hallmark Christmas film so I don’t think there is any surprise it being here. The same as every other Hallmark Christmas films with all the clichés, bells and whistles that go with it. Some people love these films, I find them torturous.
33: ‘Christmas Break-In’ (2018)
Dir. Michael Kampa
This film is a complete rip off of ‘Home Alone’ (1990) and it doesn’t even try to hide it. Shame it couldn’t steal even a smidgen of quality from that film though. Utter shit.
32: ‘Escape Room’ (2017)
Dir. Peter Dukes
The last film called ‘Escape Room’ on this list and this one is laughably bad. Literally nothing happens until the last twenty minutes and the ending is one of the unintentionally funny horror endings you ever will see.
31: ‘Pandemic’ (2016)
Dir. John Suits
This film is not only one of the more boring films I have ever seen, but it also decides to shoot in first-person. Whoever thought that was a good idea should have been sacked immediately. More vomit inducing than entertaining.
30: ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’ (2005)
Dir. Tim Burton
Tim Burton strikes again to make a film that destroys any charm of the source material and replaces it with an obnoxious style which tricks people into thinking it’s good. It’s not, it’s really bad. I couldn’t give a shit about Willy Wonka’s relationship with his dead. Not a single shit.
29: ‘Unfriended’ (2014)
Dir. Leo Gabriadze
I think a lot of people got tricked into thinking this was a good horror film by the gimmick. The issue is that past the gimmick is another run of the mill horror film with nothing new to add except some of the worst, most horrible characters in film history. Also, the gimmick fucking sucks and I hate it, so overall its not a good package.
28: ‘Zombeavers’ (2014)
Dir. Jordan Rubin
A spoof of cabin-in the-woods horror films that is about as smart as making jokes bout vaginas being called beavers in a film called ‘Zombeavers’. Oh, they do that about 25 times? Mint. This film fucking sucks.
27: ‘Deck the Halls’ (2006)
Dir. John Whitesell
The Christmas spirit is truly missing in this film about two of the most obnoxious, unlikeable human beings to walk the earth. Then the film has the audacity to make me feel sympathetic towards them? Go fuck yourself.
26: ‘Leatherface’ (2017)
Dir. Julien Maury, Alexandre Bustillo
The character of Leatherface never needed an origin story, especially one this shit. The twist ending of the film genuinely made me angry, mostly because it makes absolutely no fucking sense. I don’t get pissed off all that much at films, but this one truly hit the spot.
25: ‘Friday the 13th: A New Beginning’ (1985)
Dir. Danny Steinman
Easily the worst from the series, and not just because it fakes you out on the killer being Jason (it isn’t Jason by the way). Easily the most uninteresting and least fun of the ones I have seen so far (I still have a couple of the series to get through).
24: ‘Slender Man’ (2018)
Dir. Sylvain White
This is possibly the best example of a big budget, 21st century horror film that is ungodly cliched with only jump scares to add any kind of tension to it. Truly awful film which had me falling asleep more than hiding behind my pillow.
23: ‘Valentine’s Day’ (2010)
Dir. Garry Marshall
Another run of the mill, bland rom-com with just nothing of interest to talk about or cling on to. In a film with this many narratives going on at once for none of them to be of any interest at all is quite an achievement.
22: ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ (2009)
Dir. Ken Kwapis
Literally just a copy and paste of what I said about the last film only slightly worse.
21: ‘Cabin Fever’ (2016)
Dir. Travis Zariwny
Yet another horror remake to make it onto this list, except this time I don’t even like the original all that much so you know this one must be bloody awful. Any charm the original may have had is gone and even the gore effects are more time. Complete waste of time.
20: ‘Santa Claws’ (2014)
Dir. Glenn Miller
I only have myself to blame for this one. This film was clearly not made for me. Doesn’t stop it from being absolute fucking cack mind.
19: ’48 Christmas Wishes’ (2017)
Dir. Marco Deufemia, Justin G. Dyck
I don’t hate Christmas I promise. I just hate kids. Well, more specifically kid actors but they are almost on and the same. This film is bloody full of the film and it makes it an absolute chore to sit through ten minutes of. (Disclaimer: I don’t actually hate children).
18: ‘The Quarantine Hauntings’ (2015)
Dir. Arnold Perez, Bianca Biasi
Amazon Prime is a treasure trove of truly shit films. This one looks like something me and my mates would have made in a day when we were 13. Truly awful.
17: ‘The Jurassic Dead’ (2017)
Dir. Thomas Martwick, Milko Davis
Just Because a film knows it is shit doesn’t stop it from being shit and this film is well and truly shit. Shit.
16: ‘The Final Destination’ (2009)
Dir. David R. Ellis
Oh boy is the film a shocker. I was at the perfect age when I saw this and I thought it was shit then (remember this is a time when I was watching ‘Superhero Movie and enjoying it) so you know it must be true. All the creativity the series had had is gone and your left with a lifeless vessel of a film dragging itself to the finish line.
15: ‘Cabin Fever: Patent Zero’ (2014)
Dir. Kaare Andrews
Just wretched from start to finish. The tone is all over the place, the gore effects look terrible and the technical side of film is cack. I hated every minute of it.
14: ‘Avatar’ (2009)
Dir. James Cameron
I think anyone who knows me was waiting patiently for this one to turn up. I have never liked this film. The first time I tried to watch it I ended up turning it off because it was that boring. And yet it made all the money in the world and is getting four sequels. I just do not understand at all, the film is fucking dreadful.
13: ‘Wolves at the Door’ (2016)
Dir. John R. Leonetti
It’s a film that recreates the murder of Sharon Tate by the Manson family except all clichéd up with crappy horror film techniques and if you don’t already think this is one of the scummiest films ever made I don’t know what to tell you.
12: ‘Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides’ (2011)
Dir. Rob Marshall
This is where the franchise truly jumped the shark. It feels like a bland imitation of what had come before only with a lot less interest and care put into it. It is also massively unforgettable, and Johnny Depp looks like he wants to be anywhere else.
11: ‘Elves’ (2018)
Dir. Jamaal Burden
If ‘The Quarantine Hauntings’ looked like something me and my friends would have made when we were teenagers, this looks like something we would have made when we were foetuses. On a technical level this is literally the worst film I have ever seen.
10: ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street’ (2010)
Dir. Samuel Bayer
It took me at least four efforts and ten years to get through this film in its entirety. It pisses in the face of the original while offering absolutely nothing worth while in return. It is head and shoulders above the other terrible horror remakes, and seeing as they are all absolute shit as well it should say everything you need to know.
9: ‘Nativity 3: Dude, Where’s My Donkey?!’ (2014)
Dir. Debbie Isitt
Is this the worst Christmas film ever made? Probably not. But it is definitely the worst one I have ever seen. It made me angry when watching it and I feel like that is the last thing the filmmakers wanted.
8: ‘The Lion King’ (2019)
Dir. Jon Favreau
The third Disney remake on this list and yet not the last one. If you like to watch Lions with no humanity behind the eyes try and portray emotion then you might love this awful excuse for a motion picture, but for me I prefer to have actual emotion be visible in my characters thank you very much. Oh, it also ruins ‘Be Prepared’ so it can legitimately go fuck itself.
7: ‘The Cat in the Hat’ (2003)
Dir. Bo Welch
There are people I know and like who enjoy this film and it breaks my heart. If that refers to any of you I just want to let you know that I respect your opinion but you couldn’t be any more wrong. This is genuinely one of the worst films ever made with no redeeming qualities.
6: ‘Holmes and Watson’ (2018)
Dir. Etan Cohen
I like Will Ferrell. I like John C. Reilly. This film genuinely makes me question why. It is the worst comedy I have ever seen, hands down. Even other terrible comedies will usually get at least a chuckle or a smile out of me. This film failed to even do that much. Terribly unfunny to the point where you start to feel sorrow for all parties involved.
5: ‘Beauty and the Beast’ (2017)
Dir. Bill Condon
Now we come to the worst Disney remake. On a technical level this is not close to being the worst film on this list, but it takes the original film (which I love) and basically does a shot for shot remake except making every single element is a hundred times worse. What’s the fucking point except to make money you greedy corporate twats? Fuck you and your film.
4: ‘Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald’ (2018)
Dir. David Yates
This film is just glorified and expensive fan fiction. I don’t believe I have ever been more pissed off about a film adding unnecessary details about side characters than this film. Like making Nagini a human who turned into a snake. Fuck you. Not only is that stupid its completely unneeded. No on was asking to know that, and this can be said for 95% of this film. It is truly crap and shits all over previous material from the franchise.
3: ‘Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)
Dir. George Lucas
THERE IS A FUCKING ALIEN WITH A MOUSTACHE!!!!!!!! Look, George, I love you for making ‘Star Wars’ but this film is genuinely a stain on cinema. It is the only thing in the ‘Star Wars’ universe which I think is truly, truly shit. I hate it.
2: ‘Epic Movie’ (2007), ‘Disaster Movie’ (2008), ‘Meet the Spartans’ (2008), ‘Vampires Suck’ (2010)
Dir. Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer
I couldn’t pick between any of these films and so I cheated and made them into one. They are effectively the same film anyway. Actually, these are not films. They are scams. They are stains on the art of cinema and you feel unclean even after seeing moments of it. These two fuckhead directors have made it big cranking out pure shit after pure shit. Easily the worst filmmakers around and I would die happy if I was never to see their films attached to a film ever again.
1: ‘Jack and Jill’ (2011)
Dir. Denis Dugan
Fuck this piece of shit film. I think everyone involved in the making of this heinous piece of arse should refund the tickets of everyone who saw it and then some. It is terrible from start to finish with nothing redeeming. It is also clearly just a marketing tool for dozens of brands as well. There is no dignity or integrity to be seen in this film. Truly and easily my least favourite film of all time.
