Have you ever had a moment where you realise you may not like yourself very much? That very moment occurred when I decided to watch this film to review. I was looking through Amazon Prime to find films I could watch and came across this one. My reaction when laying my eyes upon it was to laugh and think ‘oh some poor bugger is going to have to watch this later’. That was me. I was that poor bugger. I really don’t know why I do this to myself. Although, this review is going to be very short, so at least there is that. ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’ (2017) tells the story of a young Mariah Carey (Breanna Yde) who really wants a puppy for Christmas but her parents always say no. One year they decide to give her a practice dog to see if she can handle it. However, the dog, called Jack, is a nightmare and starts to ruin Mariah’s life.
Here are just a few of the thoughts that ran through my head when watching this film. I have put them in chronological order so you can see my slide into madness:
“This is the worst thing I have ever seen.”
“Why do I do this to myself?”
“Is this really what I am doing with my life?”
“Am I awake right now?”
“There can’t be long left? I have already been here for hours…”
“Oh, just fuck off”
I am tempted to leave that as my whole review, but I will elaborate upon my hatred. First of all, this film has a narrative that could have been told in 25 minutes, not the 90 that it decided to torture me with. It just turns into the dog fucking up and Mariah baring the brunt, scene, after scene, after scene. And you might be thinking that the film is clearly made for kids why do you care? And you would be right. This film is clearly targeted at little so obviously, I am not going to like it. But just because you are making something for small children doesn’t mean it has to be shit. Take the animation for example. It looks like pure arse. All the movements are janky as hell and the characters all look really creepy. The main word for it is cheap. Cheap-looking with a cheap narrative, and all done because the assumption is little kids will watch anything as long as it is bright with lots of movement. And while they may be right, I resent it. If you have small children don’t embarrass them by showing them this film. I subject myself to this shit so that you can avoid it, remember that.
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